Call Me Jane Page 3

  Next up is more bible study. Today she mixes it up by making me write a report on original sin as she eats an apple in front of me. Billi doesn’t seem to see the irony and my stomach doesn’t see that I can’t grab the apple from her without getting the whipping of a lifetime!

  By the time the clock says it’s 3pm, Billi announces that it’s time to wash up before Jack gets home. Naturally, Billi does not believe that I can wash myself, so she washes me with a stiff brush on a long pole that is painful on my skin and raises red welts. This is another humiliation for which I hate her…

  When I am clean, dried, and dressed, once more, in my white cotton shirt and black shorts, we wait patiently for Jack to arrive. I am not allowed on the couch or Jack’s chair so I am forced to sit on my legs in the middle of the living room. Jack is home by four and Billi gushes at him, hugging and kissing him until he shoos her off, whereupon she waits on him hand and foot while expecting me to do the same.

  Jack asks me, distractedly, what my day was like and what lessons I learned. I have been preparing this question, off and on, all day, knowing that Billi will chide me for any mistake, accuse me of lying, and punish me with more lashes across my back. Now that Jack is here, he might decide to punish me instead, taking off his belt and bending me over his knees while he pulls down my shorts and underwear so he can hit my bare bottom with his belt.

  I give him my answer, glossing over details as much as possible, and he seems satisfied. One more crisis averted.

  Next comes the event I have been waiting all day for: dinner. Dinner is the largest meal of my day, which makes it the most important. Breakfast and lunch rarely varied for me, but dinner was always different. The three of us would get different meals. Billi and I usually got a salad of some sort, but mine was always without dressing, while Billi never lacked for dressing.

  Jack… Jack made his own meals, for the most part. I loved to watch Jack make his meals, even though I knew I’d never get any of it. Jack would start by pulling out a large cast iron skillet, drizzling some oil he kept by the stove into it, and turning on the stovetop. Next, he’d pull out some kind of meat (usually a steak of some kind) and pat it down with a paper towel before gently lowering it into the hot skillet. I loved listening to the sound of that sizzle! Next came the aroma of cooking steak that made my stomach leap for joy, even though I had to remind it that it was not getting any. Jack would leave the steak untouched for one minute, two, but never more than two and a half minutes, before using tongs to carefully flip the steak over to cook on the other side for precisely the same amount of time. When the steak was cooked to his satisfaction, he would pull it out of the skillet and onto his plate. With the steak secured, he’d turn his attention back to the skillet. He’d often pour a little red wine into the skillet, deglazing it as he called it, and add mushrooms or herbs or other magical ingredients that made the house smell of goodness and heaven. Satisfied that the last morsel of flavor was pulled from the ingredients, he would pour these over his meat before using tongs and an old towel to wipe down the skillet. Jack would never use water on this skillet, lest it rust.

  None of us were allowed to eat until Jack was done cooking his meat, which was one of the few rules I was okay with. I didn’t want to miss out on any part of that spectacle, from the preparations, to the sound of the sizzle, to the glorious aroma that, if I was lucky, would linger for hours.

  In a way, this kind of torture, of coming so close to what my body was telling me was heavenly and essential and yet never being allowed to eat this ambrosia, was worse than anything Billi could ever come up with. I had built up defenses for Billi’s tortures. I had built walls within my mind that allowed me to endure the pain she inflicted on my body; I had memorized all the secret codes and pass phrases that would appease her; I had prepared all the lies I would tell her, all in the name of keeping my back from bleeding.

  I had prepared for everything Billi could throw at me, but I could see no way to prepare for what Jack did to me, possibly without even knowing he was doing it… As much as I would give to fly from this house, I think I’d give almost as much to eat what Jack had prepared for his meal.

  Billi’s justification for this difference in our meals was that ‘Jack is a man, and men need meat to build muscle so they can protect us.’

  ‘Protect us.’ What a joke… Jack never protected me… not once. He’s seen Billi cane me and he approved! Billi was evil, but Jack was no less innocent…

  Once Jack was seated, we all bowed our heads as he said grace. I admit that I peeked out through squinted eyes every now and then to watch the two of them and questioned whether they had grown up being treated the way they treated me. I was never sure and I never looked into it when I grew older…

  Sorry, breaking the narrative… It’s hard to type when you’re holding your emotional support bunny as tightly as I am…

  So… dinner. Once Jack was done saying grace, I was allowed to dig into the salad in front of me, which I did with gusto, not because I liked the salad, but because I was afraid they’d take it from me at any moment if I didn’t start eating right away. When I was eating, I turned primal… I’m not sure what I would have done if they had tried to take my food while I was actually eating, but I’m pretty sure somebody else would bleed and I’d never be allowed the use of a fork ever again… If that ever happened, I’m also pretty sure they’d end up beating me to death!

  Once we had finished our meals, Jack and Billi ate some kind of dessert (often it was ice-cream or pie or cake) while I sat and watched. I was not allowed to leave the table until everyone was done and the plates were washed. Once again, my stomach would protest at the unfairness of it all, and I would have to remind it that there was nothing to be done about it. Jack and Billi were bigger and stronger than I was and if I tried to eat some pie, or cake, or ice-cream, then they’d beat me down to within an inch of my life…

  Once dessert was over, Billi would, sometimes, take me outside!

  On this, particular, night, she fastened the garish orange leash over my front and back and escorted me outside. She never did this during daylight hours, I think mostly because she didn’t want others to see the skeletal girl she was saddled with. There was never any play involved with going to the park, though. She mostly made me walk the perimeter of the park, showing me all the different playground equipment that I would never use, at least in real life. In my dreams, however, I would be happy, healthy, and never run out of breath as I ran, jumped, climbed, and cavorted through the mysterious equipment. In my nightmares, though, I am a dog on a leash and I am forced to live tied to the tree in the backyard…

  On this night, this oh so very special night, when Billi was distracted by her phone, I found what would become my most prized possession as a young girl. I found a beat up, rusting, metallic toy car buried among the soft gravel at the bottom of a plastic slide. This car looks like it was once red, or orange, but the paint had faded or been rubbed off by hands and fingers over many hours of play. I recognized that it was a car from seeing cars out the kitchen window every so often, but this was the closest I had come to being able to examine one up close, even if it was in the form of a toy. This toy was well-used and well-loved. I could feel the connection it offered my strange mind, though I did not push to see what was on the other side. I couldn’t afford to, not with Billi right there.

  Before Billi could see me with such illicit contraband, I slid the toy into the elastic waistband of my pocket-less shorts. I’d have to find a hiding place for it in my room, but I didn’t think about that during that walk. I had found a strong connection to somebody that was outside in the world. I didn’t dare let this opportunity go to waste! I couldn’t afford to!

  It was this toy car that would set me free!

  Chapter 5

  Tommy

  I’ve never met Tommy in person, but I spoke to him nearly every night after I found his toy car. I knew the car was special as soon as I picked it up. During the short walk back to
the house, my hand hovered over the waistband I was using to hide this treasure, fearful that it might fall out or be discovered and taken away. I was deathly afraid that I would lose this little treasure. Chances like the toy offered were rare gems that I was not about to let slip away.

  “Go to your room,” Billi demanded. For once, I didn’t argue with her that I needed to pee. Instead, I obeyed immediately, trotting off to my room where I could study this little miracle of a find. If need be, I’d yell and beg at the door to go pee and take my lashes for interrupting Jack and Billi in exchange for the chance to keep the toy without it being discovered.

  Once in the room, Billi called out, “Lights out!” before the bulb winked out, plunging me into near total darkness, with the only light coming from underneath the door.

  Where could I hide this? My room didn’t really offer any hiding places. Could I pry up a floorboard? From past experience, I knew none of the boards were loose. The only real spot I could find was the mattress. There were no sheets and, to my knowledge, neither Jack nor Billi ever gave the mattress a second thought, much less inspected it. The mattress was an old spring mattress and was threadbare in some places, making the springs poke up in some spots. I had hated these springs and had tried to position my body so that they didn’t poke me, but now I saw them as my salvation. The worst spots were on the underside of the mattress, so I slowly, and carefully, lifted the mattress and flipped it over. I had to work quietly or else Jack and Billi might hear it and investigate what I was doing. If that happened, then I’d never get the chance to use the toy to escape, if only in my mind.

  With the mattress on its back, I start feeling with one hand for the threadbare spots, while holding the coveted toy in my other, fearful to set it on the hard floor where it might make noise that would alert Jack and Billi. The only spots I could find where the mattress was really bare were near the middle of the bedding, which would not do. If my idea was to hide the car on the underside of the mattress, then reach under it to pull out my treasure after I had been locked up for the night, then the middle was too far for me to reach when I was on top. The alternative involved tipping up the mattress and hoping that the car didn’t slide out of reach. Doing that might also mean creating noise that would give me away.

  I couldn’t risk that; not by a long shot. There was far too much at stake!

  I was about to give into despair when I realized that the mattress is not paper thin. It doesn’t just have a top and bottom, it has sides. If I could find a tear along the side, then I could hide the hole on the side facing away from the door, but still be within easy reach for me. Hell, if need be, I’d make a tear!

  I remember my heart was pounding hard enough that I worried that I wouldn’t be able to hear if Jack and Billi were coming.

  “What are you doing?” came the voice of a young boy, sounding several years younger than I am. As near as I could tell, the voice was coming from in front of the door.

  “Go away!” I hissed at Benjamin in a whisper as I poked and prodded with my free hand, looking for a tear I could use.

  “Can I help?” the ghost asked, sounding eager.

  “No! Leave me alone!” I hissed, glaring at where his voice seems to be coming from, without actually seeing him.

  “But… but…” Benjamin sounded like he was on the verge of tears. This might be the first time I’ve ever turned down his company after lights out. Normally I’m downright eager to talk to him, but that was before I found this link to the outside.

  “Look,” I tell Benjamin in a milder tone, feeling slightly sorry for him, “I found something that I think I can use to…” What was I going to do with this little toy? Spy on its former owner? And then what? What else could I do? Is it really so bad to escape by looking through another’s eyes if they never found out?

  Part of me said I should care; a bigger part of me was demanding that I take this opportunity to escape, no matter the cost.

  “I think I can use it to see what the world is like outside this house,” I admitted to Benjamin, holding up the little toy in front of me, wishing I could see it better.

  “I can help!” Benjamin shouted, sounding excited, unconcerned with how loud he is.

  “How?” I asked, quietly. Benjamin has never had a problem hearing me, no matter how quietly I talk. I don’t know why this is. I figure it’s a ghost thing.

  “I can keep watch!” he explains, still sounding eager. “I can let you know when Jack or Billi are coming!”

  “You’d help me with this?” I asked, feeling a little bad that I was planning on abandoning Benjamin over someone still living.

  “Sure I would!” Benjamin snorts. “Gloria, I don’t like seeing you treated so badly…” he admits, sounding sorrowful. “Billi…Billi doesn’t know what she’s doing… she doesn’t see that what she’s doing is bad…”

  “Billi wants me dead,” I told him bluntly, anger creeping into my voice.

  “I know…” Benjamin admits.

  It took all my willpower to keep from screaming at Benjamin and throwing my little treasure at him. He knew? How did he know? When did he know? Why didn’t he ever tell me?

  “I’m sorry…” Benjamin whispers quietly, sounding like he’s on the verge of tears. “I heard her talking about it, mumbling under her breath when she thought she was alone. I didn’t tell you because I thought if you knew, it would make it worse for you…”

  I’m not sure he’s wrong, but I still felt betrayed that he kept such important information from me.

  “Benjamin…” I choke, tears coming to my eyes and my throat closing up with conflicting emotions of rage, despair, frustration, and sorrow. “What can I do?”

  “You have a gift, Gloria; use it!” Benjamin implores. “I’ll be okay. I promise!”

  “You sure?” I asked, still mad at him, but also not wanting to lose the only friend I’ve got.

  “I’m sure,” he promises. “There’s a hole you can use near the end, there. You can use that to hide it! I’ll keep watch on Jack and Billi and come running to you if they’re coming!”

  “Thank you, Benjamin, I’m grateful,” I tell him, not a trace of dishonesty in my statement. I’m not sure if this was actual honesty or a lie I used to get him to do what I wanted. There are times when I’m not even sure when I’m lying. At this point, I don’t think it really matters whether it was a convenient truth or a useful lie…

  I went back to feeling and prodding along the mattress and found the small tear that should work for my purposes. The tear is near the corner near where I usually put my head. The corner is not far from the wall and if I lay on my chest, I should be able to access and hide the toy quickly and easily, should I need to. I test out the hiding spot several times, putting the car in and taking it out, along with making sure I can find the spot quickly.

  Once I was satisfied that my hiding spot was secure, I sat cross-legged in the middle of the mattress, holding the little toy car reverently in both hands at eye-level. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, preparing to use this strange muscle in my mind. A thrill goes through me at how effortless this seems to be. My mind meets no resistance as I leave my senses behind and slip into the senses of this other person.

  I’ve always struggled to describe this sensation, but the best way I’ve found is comparing it to a coat or a costume. Imagine you’re in a full-body costume, with a zipper in the back. Slipping into another’s senses is like unzipping the costume you’re in and sliding into another costume. When the connection is weak, the costume you’re slipping into feels tight and you really need to force the costume on. When the connection is strong, though, slipping into the new costume feels like it’s tailor-made just for you.

  With the new costume comes new senses. Depending how deep I go, I can either leave my old body behind, absorbed in the senses of another, or I can lightly touch on their senses, while still firmly within my own body. I cannot manipulate the new body I’m in, as I am only a passenger, but, when the connect
ion is strong, I experience everything that they do.

  The connection I got from the toy was extremely strong.

  I opened my eyes to the sensation of lying on my chest while staring at a TV. I only recognized it as a TV because we had one in the house, but I’ve never seen it turned on, as only Jack and Billi were allowed to watch it. This TV, though, was on and was showing a commercial for some kind of soft drink.

  It was amazing… at least to me.

  Under the TV showed what I think was the time. It read 8:05. I confess that I was more excited than anyone has a right to be over learning what time it was. I should explain this… There are few clocks within the house I lived in and most of the time I was too busy keeping my head down to notice the time. Add to this the fact that my room didn’t have a clock of any kind, and that I had no way of knowing what the time actually was, except through Benjamin, and you can begin to appreciate how clueless I was about time or my actual schedule throughout the day. Being able to know what time it was through the effortless means of glancing at a clock that was always on would make my world more orderly and would make the waiting somewhat easier.

  The commercial ended and the show came back on, the viewer’s attention switching back to the TV and watching it intently. The show seemed to be taking place in a basement with large metal drawers lining one wall, with several metal tables dotting the middle of the room. A man in a white coat was talking to a man in a blue suit and a woman in a snazzy skirt and jacket.

  “We get more Jane Does than any other morgue in the state,” the man in the white coat told the others somewhat dejectedly.